This Is a little more vulnerable and personal than I like to allow myself to be in these posts, but I had the impulse to write this, so I'm doing so:

Sometimes (times like right now), either in brief moments during the week or often during the weekends, I have a certain feeling. It's usually when I'm just beginning to relax, when I have the luxury of "free" time. Maybe I'll be sitting down on the couch, or the chair in my room. It's a pang, one that begins to creep up, very slowly, in the pit of my stomach. Gradually, it grows and spreads, like warmth, through the rest of my body, consuming me until I can feel it tingling at the ends of my toes and fingertips, as if it's trying to escape. It's a familiar warmth, but not a comforting one. Instead of filling me and comforting me, like a hot cup of tea, wine, or hard liquor, it seems to empty me as spreads. Then I realize, I have a visceral realization that it is not emptying me, but reminding me of, bringing to my attention an empty space that is already there. And it is not a total emptiness, not a void, but a precise space, hidden away in a very specific part of me. Suddenly, I am aware of the space, and then I slowly become aware of it's emptiness. Not an emptiness that has never been filled, though, but an emptiness that used to hold something, either recently or ages ago. It used to house something; something used to fit there. It wasn't contained there against its will, nor did it intrusively insist upon staying. It just used to belong there, because it was needed. But now it is gone, even though it still belongs, and is still needed. And so, the space is no longer an empty space, but one filled with need; need is claustrophobically stuffed there, trying to claw its way out as if buried alive, frantically searching for a crack that it could use to break through. And so, I am filled with need. A need for something very particular, yet unknown to me. While the need itself tries to search for it, to find it and bring it back to its rightful home in the space, the need cannot break free from my body because it has no autonomy. I know this, and I feel obligated to aid and satisfy the need, but I do not know what to satisfy it with, and it refuses to tell me, because it does not want to share it. So I try to satisfy the need with other things. I know that these things are not The thing, but they are distracting enough to satisfy the need briefly, until it realizes that I have deceived it. Then it feels betrayed, and misses the thing even more.

ASDFGHJKLKJHGF.

Well, here I am. Here. Doing this. Hey there.

Tomorrow is Single's Awareness Day. I wish I would've coordinated some sort of party. For single friends only. That would have been fun. Either way, I will drink to the girls of my past. Cheers.  

NYU NYU NYU NYU NYU NYU NYU NYU NYU NYU Tisch. One-track mind lately. I can't really think about anything else. May is a long time to wait. I hope I wish I hope I wish I hope. It would be difficult to be unhappy for two more years. Unbearable, possibly. Difficult, at least. Did Meisner reps today with classmates from Acting IV. "Your shirt is blue." "My shirt is blue." "Your shirt is blue." I had a moment of realization, between doing them and observing, that I was only deriving pure joy from both. Happiest moment of my day. Well, that and staring up at the beautiful blossoms on the plum trees. I wish I hope I wish I hope I wish I wish I wish I wish I hope.